Marriage, love and friendship – By Hossam Badrawi

Marriage, Love, and Friendship

By
Hossam Badrawi

In my opinion, love should be balanced without extremism, and even hatred and enmity should be without exaggeration, injustice, and aggression. In all cases, what is required is patience, tolerance, and forbearance, for people do not always speak and act as we wish and love. There are different interests and priorities in every human’s life that they may not know are priorities until they are put at risk, even by those they love the most.

Therefore, enmity should not be absolute, inevitable, and permanent. We must always leave a way for return and retreat. And if a door is closed, open a window. Similarly, in the realm of love and friendship, do not deplete your emotions in a futile manner, but keep the line of balance ever-present and existing.

However, there is an opposing idea that says balance comes from the wisdom of experience and long coexistence with people, but it also takes from the fervor of emotion that brings the highest levels of pleasure from some extremism in closeness, love, passion, and jealousy that distinguishes youth and the younger generation.

Wisdom makes balanced emotions long-lasting and takes a little from the ecstasy, while the extremism of emotions gives an ecstasy that may not last and live a lifetime with the person.

The delicate young woman said:
Most of my friends who were in love with each other during university and got married did not succeed, and they got divorced.

I said to her: My dear, the circumstances surrounding young people during their studies, without responsibilities other than studying and enjoying life without responsibilities, are different from the realities of practical life after graduation. relationships must be in line with a new reality we live in and emerging responsibilities, and successes and failures happen to everyone, and the surrounding balances change, and feelings change. Therefore, it is necessary to be patient in the decision of marriage after graduation and work.

Another young man said:
So you advise late marriage at an older age?

I said, each relationship has its own circumstances and I cannot determine a specific age, but I advise you to be patient and not to rush just based on feelings in certain circumstances, as the circumstances may change and so will the feelings.

A philosophical dreaming girl said: Like summer friends and travel friends, the friendship may not continue in the same way after the summer and the trip, due to changing life circumstances.

I said: Indeed.

Another said: And what do you advise us regarding marriage?

I said:
Gibran Khalil Gibran says in “The Prophet” regarding marriage, words that I have repeated since I read his great book:

In marriage, you are together to build a life.
However, let there be spaces between you.
And let each of you give the other from their loaf, but do not share one loaf.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the chords of the lyre are separate.

Science and quantum physics say that the fundamental structure of the entire universe is something smaller than anything, called the quark, and it consists of threads that dance and vibrate in different ways to form matter. And the God in my mind is the maestro who makes each set of quarks vibrate differently, forming the matter that is an expression of energy according to the type of vibrations.

It’s as if all of life is a piece of music and the universe is a divine melody.

Similarly, our lives and our connection with our life partners, whether a spouse or a friend, is a system that needs harmony and synchronization like a piece of music or the symphony of life. It is written by two, and they play it together. They avoid dissonance and strive to elevate it to build a happy, harmonious life.

The pragmatic youth said:
Isn’t marriage a deal like any other deal, where we achieve a goal behind it?

I said:
Marriage is not a deal.

Marriage is a moral commitment between a man and a woman who strive to make each other happy and build a family.

Marriage is a declaration among people of a commitment between two who have love, friendship, respect, and obligation between them.

And the friendship between spouses grows in importance over time.

If a person enters marriage with the goal of profit and achieving objectives, then it is a marriage destined to end.

Another young woman said:
And what about separation and divorce?

I said:
If one of the parties seeks divorce without a serious attempt at reconciliation, then they are wrong.

Do not get married unless there is love, friendship, affection and respect between you.

Four pillars – if one of them collapses, the commitment falls apart and disappears.

And if you decide not to complete the commitment, due to your failure to create a shared life, then separate without rancor and without hatred.

Again, marriage is not just a contract and a deal where we achieve a profit.

Let us meet with love, and separate with affection and respect.

A young woman who travels a lot said:
When I get married, I will have my wedding in England or America, where the law gives me the right to half of my husband’s wealth in case of divorce.

I said: Then you haven’t heard me. If the goal of marriage is to obtain benefit, then its end will be to cause harm to both of you.

Because in the selfish pursuit of benefit upon separation, you are giving the other party the right to harm you. And even in the material Western world, the benefits go to law firms, not the spouses.

Get married properly, and separate properly.

A cultured young man said: “When there is disagreement, matters become complicated, doctor, and these values disappear.”

I said: “Be sure, my children, that the truth is not in a Western or local law. The truth remains true in all circumstances. And people’s qualities show at the time of disagreement, so do not rush to cause harm, but strive to achieve separation with noble ethics, broad-mindedness and forgiveness.”

A young woman said about her divorce:
“My ex-husband divorced me and made me give up all my rights, and I have a child with him so that I could get the divorce. Does this please God, or is it just because I live in Egypt?”

I said to her: “No, if you married according to the way of God and His Messenger, God is not pleased that you do not receive the maintenance of your children and their care in Egypt or elsewhere. And God is also not pleased if the wife is deprived of half of her ex-husband’s property, as your colleague says, if you are in Western countries.”

Another young man said: “Not all difficulties are what the woman faces. There are wives whose demands are an obstacle to completing life. We should not blame only the men.”

I said: “Each situation has its own circumstances, and let me share a wisdom I have learned with you: In the stage of unconscious marriage, you cling to the belief that your partner intuitively knows and understands your needs on their own. But in the stage of conscious marriage, in order to understand your life partner, you must open communication channels with them.”

An angry young woman said: “Can a man love more than one woman at the same time, doctor? My husband swears that he loves me and in fact he is an ideal life partner, refined, responsible, and shows signs of his love in every situation. But I accidentally found out that he has a relationship with another woman. If I didn’t know, I would never have doubted, isn’t this a justification for asking for a divorce, even though we have a beautiful daughter to whom he gives his love and care?”

I said: “This is a difficult question to answer, my daughter… But what I can say is that you are in the stronger position, for you are now the wife and the mother. Do not turn the situation against your interests and give up the pillars of your life, but try with intelligence to keep it, because as you say, he is an ideal father and husband. Do not push him to take a choice position, as this may just be a moment in his life, but you are the entire film.”

I know the difficulty of that, but all the experiences I have seen in life say that the wise wife or husband is the one who understands the other and manifests and deepens their priorities, not the one who chooses to flee by separating.

Of course, each situation has its own circumstances, but I have learned not to turn a snapshot in life into a film, nor to summarize the film into a snapshot whose circumstances may not be sustainable.

A wise young man said: A final piece of advice, doctor, about happiness in life to end our conversation on a positive note as you have accustomed us to:

I said:
Happiness is a positive decision, and it has its own components. If we do not strive for it, we may not find it. It is true that some people, including myself, have genes predisposed to joy, and see the best in people and the most beautiful in the events around them. But if a person is not seeking joy and asking for happiness, the days may pass and they will not see it because they are not looking for it.

The collective mindset of the family and the community may create positive energy, and vice versa. This collective mindset is driven by the culture of the society, its leaders, media, and arts. The emotional readiness for it begins from an early age, at home, school, university, the club and the public square, in houses of worship – mosques, churches and temples.

Life is a blessing from the Creator, and the joy in it is gratitude to God. We must yearn for it and savor it, for it is a right of every one of you. So seek it and make it a goal in your relationships, and transmit its positive energy to your children.