The fourth and fifth dimensions of the “Painting of Agony”

How unsuspecting was I of the smarting complications, terrible suffering, follow-up surgeries, and ICU stay for fifty-two days after the first surgical operation I have undergone in Germany, almost two months ago. At the time I wrote: “Our life is seemingly a level plain; however, we only get to comprehend its essence when we endure its hardships and live the experiences to the full. The medical profession is indeed one of the most extraordinary vocations. The practitioner does undeniably help relieve the pain, treat illnesses, and mitigate complications; but in the process s/he gets caught in the repetitiveness of the activities – and the relative insouciance that is associated with expertise. He forgets the other face of the coin: the possibility of being in the patient’s shoes. He forgets the fear of the prick of a needlestick while penetrating the skin through into a vein or an artery; the pain of the surgical wound on the first attempt to move post-surgery. Physicians stop seeing that all simple daily tasks – eating, urination without a catheter, or merely going to the bathroom – seem to the patient like a farfetched dream. When we are on the other side of the divide, roles are reversed. Only then, the physician realizes that what was deemed indulgence by the patient –such as voicing fear and complaining of the pain caused by frequent needlestick pricks – is much bigger than what s/he could imagine irrespective of the number of times that turn the practice into a second nature. Depending on your position vis-à-vis the tapestry of the experience of surgery (surgeon vs. patient), the feeling of intimidation and the dread of losing consciousness varies. In an arduous experience, I found myself involved in role reversal: I was not the surgeon; I was the patient. I became the frightened, anxious and pained individual whose skin and muscle are incised by the scalpel. With a mind teemed with all the knowledge I had of the complications and the probability of professional and circumstantial errors; and a concomitant confidence in those surrounding me, this side of the picture must, nevertheless, always be remembered and discussed so that our humanity would not be lost to the mechanical perfection of our skills. We need that to bury our ego and pride in our abilities as physicians and to revive our acknowledgement of the fact that this is but a means for manifesting God’s mercy and Hands that help us heal others. The second round of complications made me see a third and fourth dimension of the painting. In a near-death experience, Einstein seemed right to say that time is relative. In his theory, time is linked to motion; time seems slower when motion is faster, until the speed of light is reached, at which point time ceases to exist. In my case, though, while in state of being conscious and unconscious, I did not need motion to realize the relativity of time. Action took place, medical decisions taken, I was moved from MRI to ultrasonographic examination in an attempt to find a means into my circulatory system, I was connected to tubes, I was tossed and turned in my bed – while my brain believed that a day lapsed. Soon I would discover that these were only minutes and that we are only at the beginning of the day. How could it be that time does not lapse and days do not pass while I am in this condition! Relativity of time is best expressed when we say that good times fly, while times of sorrow and suffering pass slowly. The fourth dimension of this tapestry unfolded as I felt that the persons around me in the ICU seemed – to my mind – only two-dimensional, as if I was in an animation movie. I was only brought to the third dimension when my daughter, son, wife, or sister would hold my hand or when my granddaughters would stroke my head or hug my leg. This human touch brought me back from the two dimensional world of my imagination to the three-dimensional reality. This relativity of human time and my ability to experience it from the realm of the unconscious was indeed a strange and unprecedented experience. Strange as well is the life I experienced while my eyes were shut – though not sleeping. Those whom I met and to whom I talked would totally disappear once I opened my eyes, leaving me alone amidst wires and tubes. I was amazed at the fact that all what I saw in my mind’s eye were but fantasies created by the mind when consciousness fades. Consciousness is this mental state that enables us to experience reality and facts through the contact between humans and their surroundings. Our consciousness matures when we realize our surroundings through the different channels of consciousness. These channels are our senses that transmit this realization to our brain, who in turn translates and synthesizes all this and becomes conscious. However, if illness and medication disturb this ability to use such pathways to consciousness, the brain wavers and turns into illusion and images that are disconnected from reality. Upon retrieving one’s consciousness, one could realize that the mind would hold a person accountable for an action that was only a figment of imagination! The human mind has a mighty capacity to create and innovate; but it could also become a prey for delusions. Back to the lesson I’d like to share with others. Life has no value without love and kindness, family and friends, and true selfless and stress-free feelings. My phone, from which I was away, my office, and family received many prayers and great wishes to get well. I believe in the collective impact of these sincere entreaties to God in helping me peacefully emerge from my crisis. Here I come to the fifth dimension of my experience. I am a man with happy genes. I know that positive energy is truly invoked. In my hardship, I resorted to faith and prayers to God to deliver me and help me endure my pain. Our need for God is indeed a good and comforting spiritual human need. I found myself calling to Him, as I was about to slip into the ‘black hole’ saying: “O God of all universes, deliver me from the pain I experience. Give my family and loved ones the perseverance to bear my suffering. O God of beauty and perfection, help me and show me the true path so that I would emerge from this adversity and reach an ending You select for me with grace.” People know life as the antithesis of death. When I felt my life slipping away from my body, I had thoughts about death. However, I did not talk about that to my family so as not frighten them. Life to me is also a collective and cumulative experience. Truly, life is a personal experience , yet human beings, still influence one another; human achievements accumulate and travel from one generation to the other, we all carry traces from our predecessors. Life is not an individualistic experience, it is collective. While in the twilight zone of consciousness, my mind whirled around my scientific, cultural and social legacy and the impact I could have left on my family, students, and society. My mind wandered telling me that humans have multiple lives, after all. There is a life prior to creation and making, which ends with birth. In life after birth, consciousness is formulated making the life we live. This life starts with a body and a self whose existence is linked to one’s soul, which ends when the soul returns to the Creator. Then the body disintegrates and the self dies. Life as we know it is, therefore, made up of the soul, whose essence is unknown to us; a self that lives and dies; and a body that accommodates both soul and self. There and then I realized the ingenuity of medicine that kept the body intact for 52 days: fed through tubes and protected from killer pathogens awaiting a divine will , and self desire to help the soul to stay and resuscitate the self. Both would be welcomed by a thriving body ready to return to life again. When our life ends, nothing is left of us but our work and memory in the consciousness of those who lived with us or who were touched by our existence and ideas. I thought of all of that, the lesson learnt is that no matter how much we believe in the power of the mind, science, and knowledge, there is great comfort in our faith in God and the collective positive energy generated by the heartfelt prayers by loved ones. Thanks and appreciation are due to all those who prayed for me and sent me positive warm wishes and energy for recovery. Thank you all.